99 Problems

Probably my favorite song at the moment. Yes, I have 99 problems I'm sure but a bitch sure ain't one. Kicked his ass to the curb a while back. Sometimes it gets lonely but overall life's been better.

This has nothing to do with stripping, except maybe that I get pumped for work listening to that song. So... moving on....

Tonight was a real doozy at work. First, let's just talk about how I didn't make SHIT and this girl made about $400. Yup, that much money... I wish.
So there was that, and one* of my favorite customers was suppose to come in and see me because I now RARELY work at the club I was at tonight, in fact, this might be the last night for a while. Maybe even a month. The summer isn't showing me any money and I'm not okay with that. I made more on a day at my other club than I made tonight. Irritating and I know I'm just getting better and better at what I do so that makes little sense.

Anyway, back to the real story. Soooo nights going eh, one girl's making bank and the rest of us are hating life but smiling anyway (like good little strippers) and the end of the night rolls around and this group of three rolls in. I notice them right away and wonder what they are up to.

Let's talk about race for a second here... now, I THOUGHT black guys in clubs were the ones who originated the "make it rain" idea. Well, in the clubs I work at the opposite is about the same. You can rely on a black man (with baggy pants, bling in his ears, etc) to come up to the stage, MAYBE put down a couple of dollars and ask for your number or to see you later. Seriously. I have yet to meet someone that fits the description and hasn't done just that. Don't get me wrong, there are black men that come into our club that spend some money but they don't waste their time putting on a front looking like they wish they just stepped out of a music video.

That being said, I get a tad weary when the aforemention baggy pant wearing, fat fake diamond earring sporting homie waddles (because of the sagging baggy pants) walks into the club. I wonder what kind of advances I'm going to have to laugh off and how little I'm going to get paid for that work, AND if it's even worth it to ask this cheap ass for a dance, because if he gets any, it will be one and it will be to find a way to ask me out.

Moving on, this group of three walk in and I immediately look at them and remember what they are wearing. One has shorts sagging below his ass with his red checkered boxers hanging out and a white wife beater on and a baseball cap, then there's his friend, a bigger dude wearing a white shirt and white beanie, then there's this chick in a large jacket/hoodie thing with the hood up looking hella odd.

I really notice this group when they come up to my rack. Well the woman does. She sits on the far corner, right by where I walk on (and put my stuff) and hangs out there. Her man in the white shirt comes up and talks to her and she looks irritated but leaves the stage for a second. Then she comes back the next song. She sits by the edge and her man sits in the middle. Odd.

I get off stage and she asks when auditions are. I tell her wondering why the fuck she would want to know, I mean we hire some not so great looking girls that can't dance for shit but she would be pushing it. I think nothing of it, leave the stage and go off to hope I can find someone at all to get a dance. That doesn't happen.

The last song of the night comes and goes and as the manager/DJ shuts the lights for the stages off my friend realizes her wallet is gone. Guess who was sitting at her stage last. Sketchy hooded woman and the other guys were on the other side...

We search the club for the wallet just in case, watch the videos lalala can't pinpoint exactly what happened but see as close as we can what happened. Two of three sketchies were around the scene of the crime.

We figure there's nothing we can do and leave, I drive a block and see two police cars and a guy sitting on the curb. Wanna guess who it is?

My friend thug boy baggy ass. I pulled over immediately and asked the group of people standing near what went on. They said he and his friends stole this chick's wallet. At first I didn't notice the tell-tale bright green ties of her bottoms peaking out of her pants, but then she started talking about everything she had made was gone and I put two and two together. We were right by another club. Yay Portland, a club on every block!
Whatever, a rant for another time...

I tell the police man what had happened at the club and that the guy sitting on the curb is on our cameras. He walks over to the other office and dear baggy pants and they arrest him. The girl immediately thanks me because I guess without the possibility of them on camera they weren't going to have anything to charge him with.

My good deed of the week. It wasn't even for that chick, it was for my friend back at my club. She doesn't deserve this and the trouble it's going to cause her. I'm glad I possibly helped out one (if not two because we learned later they hit up lucky devil also) other girl(s).
My manager came pulling in the plaid parking lot and talked to the cops which was nice. I could tell the cop didn't think much of me which I find funny because I could have given him a decent description of what the guy sitting on the curb when I pulled up was wearing even though I couldn't see him well from where I was at. My boss just added some credibility which is fine, I'm just glad the guy didn't get a chance to look at my expired plates (I hate the DMV btw).

So now, my extra commentary on this little event...
- What the fuck were these people doing wearing white into a mother fucking strip club they planned on getting money from?!?!?! We have a decent number of black lights all over the club... white glows mother fucker? Way to blend in.
- Another pointer in the "don't stick out" category... don't tell the bartender to remember your face for the next time you come in... Yes. baggy pants said just that. Don't worry dude, we remember your face, and your clothes, and your friends.
- One more... don't wear a ridiculous outfit and expect me not to remember it. Maybe don't sag your pants so far beyond your ass that's there's no use for them. In fact, don't do that even if you are looking to stand out. That shit is so stupid. Guys, really, if you are doing the penguin walk around town I'm not interested. If you have your pants below your ass, which is a main part of what they are suppose to cover, I'm not interested. I don't care how much money you claim to have... clearly you don't have normal reasoning skills because you can't seem to figure out your size or find where your waist/hips are. Not to mention, if you can't find basic body areas OR don't have sufficient brain power to realize your pants are WAY TO FUCKING BIG, you can't possibly have as much money as you seem to think you do... let's be real, belts aren't THAT expensive and you can't seem to get one of those.
- last but not least to this group in particular... don't go into a club where you will be the minority if you don't want to be noticed. Not only are most of the customers at my club white as fuck (some even rednecky) it is also mostly male. Yes I did have a chick at my stage when I first got there tonight but she was young and white and obviously bi if not lez. We notice when chicks come to our rack. We notice because we have to figure out how to act more so than when dudes come to our rack. So immediate you stand out and we're going to remember a couple of your traits.
Not good when you're doing something illegal.

Moral of the story. Get all of your stripper drunk and make sure they don't have a decent memory if you are likely to stand out in a crowd at the venue where you plan on stealing.


I want to take my heel and bash that ugly chick's face in for all the shit she's putting my friend through. I hope she goes to jail and talks shit to a woman bigger than her and gets her ass beat.

Seriously, of all people to steal from, you think a hustler would appreciate another one and leave them alone.

Apparently we were introduced to the low of the low. The parasites that attach to anyone. No matter if the person has a hustle like them or not.


So there's that.

xo



*please see that I said ONE of my favorite customers dearies. I love all my favorites equally)