I sometimes wonder if the other ladies of the pole at my work know when I am being fake and when I am not. I don't mean to guys, generally that's pretty obvious because I can't lie, but when it comes to women they just either don't care or think I'm really sweet when I've been saying really mean things in my head about them for the past week or so.
Case in point: CCH (crazy crack head). Homegirl immediately attached herself to me on the night of lost money and CCH shenanigans. Why? I really don't know. I was very blunt with her, very rarely smiled her way and was completely irritated maybe an hour into the shift due to her inability to get to stage on time. She decides that night that I am a confidant of sorts or something with her "this is between me and you" wink.
But maybe she's a bad example... you know, with the drugs and all. Maybe (obviously) she's not of the correct mindset to discern my completely obvious loathing.
Besides her there are other girls at work who I think aren't completely out of their minds or lacking cells of the brain sort and still, regardless of my cold and indifferent (but not rude) attitude, still get buddy buddy with me. They tell me things in confidence that they don't tell other girls. I haven't been there that long. Seriously, I'm basically everyone's confidant.
Except for maybe one. I don't even start to try and pretend that I like this one girl (and it's not CCH). But This girl, I call her Victim, just really gets no sympathy from me. She's been here and there and EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I see her or anything she is going off (to anyone that will listen) about some thing that has happened that she doesn't deserve and the phrase "why me" comes up a lot.
One of the girls, an actual friend, I'll call her R for fun, tried to get me to lighten up on Victim and I see where she is coming from logically but I can't, I just can't support a pitiful victimized self concept. Is that the right way to put it? I feel you get the point.
I don't think I really had a point for this other than I seem to be a bit better at personal relations than I thought. Possibly a reason why information ALWAYS got back to me in high school (and beyond). Things people thought they were going to be able to keep out of my ear. Other people find me too trustworthy and I guess there is something about me that inspires people to open up.
I'm not complaining, it's a great quality to have in the real world. It just lacks real value in a world full of gossip I actually don't care much about. For once.
Oh no, am I growing up?
-D
People who have the confidence to be genuinely themselves at all times are like a beacon to those don't. Sometimes that means being tactful and nuanced and subtle. Sometimes that means being bluntly straightforward and frank. Sometimes that means laying the smack down with the bitch/bastard stick. Even apathy, from a genuine person, is attractive to all the people who spend so much of their energy hiding from themselves. Unfortunately, that's most people. Also unfortunately, you work in an environment where nearly everyone there is wearing their emptiness on fucking sleeves...or pants, or panties.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this post struck a chord with me. I've been wrestling with this for most of my adult life. Most of the time I just want to be left the fuck alone. At least, that's what I tell my little-longsuffering-self. :)
Btw, your "-D" signature looks like an eyeless smiley emoticon. Is that deliberate, or just awesome? Both?