A Whole Lot of Crazy

Tonight was a night of minimal money and lots of crazy.
I was blessed with being followed by a new crazy. Oh joy.
I figured since she had worked at other clubs she would know to get to her stage on time and generally keep things flowing as they should. I'm not talking about drinks or menstration or other bodily fluids. Just the flow of traffic from one stage to another.

So let's start with ms crazy's background. She asks at the beginning of the night where a safe place is to put her bag. We tell her it's fine under the place where she is sitting because we are all pretty legit people and generally don't have problems with things turning up missing. Did you detect foreshadowing? Good job.

Everything is going alright, it's slow and since there are only 7 girls we are up one set down one set for two rotations and then the third rotation we are up for one down for three. I noticed early on that Ms Crazy was taking her sweet ass time getting to the stage after my three songs were up. This irritated me a bit considering I usually only had three songs down. While three songs feels like forever on stage when there's no one at your rack (or a real creeper at your rack) it goes by fast when you're in the back trying to avoid the five customers who just want to small talk.

Through the night this girl gets crazier and crazier looking, like legitimately her eyes don't focus right, she looks off to the side a bit, I think she's drunk and end up just feeling frustrated that yet again I'm getting followed by a drunk girl who can't get her ass in gear.

The DJ yells at her at one point and she tries to confide in me and I just tell her the truth, that she's lucky the DJ said anything at all because he could just call her three times over the PA and then tell her to go the fuck home without making the effort to go in the back and get her from the lapdance room. I guess I said it nice enough for her to think I was her friend...

Yeah right.


The end of the night finally rolls around, she never makes it to her first song on time AND starts to get on stage when it's my set a couple of times. I'm starting to wonder at this point if something else is going on in that mind of hers. Well, obviously not much is going on in her mind but... maybe something more chemical based than alcohol.


I think about the times I've caught a glimpse of her onstage and just get frustrated. I came out of the bathroom at one point which had me walk right by the main stage where she was putting this guys face against her ass basically putting his nose to her asshole.


I'm sorry fellas, I'm not going to fulfill that fantasy for you. Nor am I ever going to let you lick my pussy. I'm also not going to bring down the price of my lap dance unless I like you and you are part of a couple. Really, I believe in the price tag I put in my dances. In fact, I think sometimes it's a tad low for the bullshit I deal with. But that's a discussion for another time.


Finally, last set of the night, I'm on stage and frustrated but entertaining the remaining members of a bachelor party. They are nice, crazy is walking around with a glazed/crazed look in her eye and I'm just counting down the seconds as I make it clap repeatedly. (hehehe)


We all get in the dressing room and are complaining or excited about how the night ended and crazy girl is just yelling into her phone, I guess to her ride, about how she got his text and is coming out now. She has it on speakerphone which makes me want to scream and throw her phone against a mirror but I refrain and just get my stuff together while thinking daggers her way.

She bolts and we all look at each other like WHAT THE FUCK?

Now, I was just thinking at the beginning of the shift how typical some of the girls sound. How shady and secretive and just plain stripper typical these girls sound sometimes. "Oh, this girl steals but she's only here every once in a while, I'll tell you who it is if we all work together on the same night" etc etc saying other shit I have no temper for, but when a chick proves to be crazy the ENTIRE NIGHT and I have to deal with most of the bitch's issues, I'm going to talk shit. And I'm not quiet about it.

Then (and this is where that foreshadowing comes in) one of the girls realizes she can't find her purse. Her purse she's been carrying with her the whole night and has her money (and she's made good money that night, HOW, I don't know, but whatever) in. Gone. Guess who was right next to missing purse girl? Yup Ms. Crazy. I'm immediately suspicious. She was vocal about figuring out what we do with our stuff, she was nuts, she's dirty, she was right next to Ms. Missing Purse... AAAAAnd, and I collect clues so you should probably trust my suspicions... just saying.

So we search the place, look under cushions in the back and can't find her wallet. I even look through my bag again even though I was on the other side of the room from her, just in case someone threw it in a fit of joy and it landed in my bag. Cover all bases and such. Plus I really wanted this wallet to show up. This girl does not deserve to lose her money after working hard all night. I don't like how she dances on stage but she's a sweet girl and I don't think her dances are that dirty/hard to compete with.

Now is Ms. Crazy's purse ended up missing I'd say "oh no... hey strong bouncer man, walk me out please" because I wouldn't give a fuck.

Ms. Crazy for some reason in still in the club even though she ran out of the dressing room a good 5 minutes before and so I ask her point blank if she's seen the missing wallet. She says no and goes in this shpiel about how we can check her bag for it because she knows that as the new girl she would be suspect blah blah blah just making me think she's fucking guilty and stealthy too, like only a druggie can be. It's quite ridiculous how stupid some addicts can be at most things but at stealing they are just brilliant.

ONe of the servers calls me over and tells me in a quiet tone that I should go with Ms. Missing Purse to check Ms. Crazy's bag because there is a possibility we will find something extra besides thongs and make up... it's possible that we might find crack/needles etc. WHAT?! Awesome, no wonder Ms. Crazy is so fucked.

Ms. Crazy, after having her bag searched and helping, starts fliting around the club like a... yup... crazy person... and then I'm sitting out with the DJ when she comes out, straight to me as a confidante and tells me that she needs to talk to me and that she was trying to help her look for it and then starts winking at me every couple of seconds. At first I wonder if it's just a drug tick then I realize it's the "just between you and me" wink.

Bitch, I don't know what you're winking for, I don't know what secret I'm suppose to be in on.

She takes me to the side even when I try to avoid her and tells me how she offered to give Ms. Missing Purse $10 to help pay stage fee and such but while she's tell me this she is standing thisclose with her face real close to mine and angled like she would be looking me in the eye but her eyes are looking just off to my left shoulder and down toward the floor. Like she's blind... or really fucked up.

Crazy right?

How many times is crazy going to be in this post?

Basically the night ended with us all confused about this chick and her habits. The bouncer had found her cigarette pack with foil and such in it and so it's probably safe to say Ms. Crazy won't be back to abuse me with her proximity.

Shucks, I was really getting excited about having a new friend.

I wish this story had a happy ending... something like, And then we had her take off her really painful shoes she was complaining about and her socks so she could put on her flip flops and a bunch of money fell out and then we raced to the bathroom to check the trash and we found the wallet and a ball of foil and then I would save the day when the crazy would try to run and I'd make her face meet the floor and say something like "you shoulda tipped me for always being late, bitch" but none of that happened.

I drove Ms. Missing Purse and my lovely Ms. R home and I refused gas money from Ms. Missing Purse because I'm a good person and incredibly modest.

Ugh, why can't I be like Dr. Brenan in the show Bones and put together the details of the crime fast enough to catch the bad guy? I love being a hero.

such is life.

that is all.

-D